Heather Dempsey - Therapeutic Coach

The women I'm most drawn to work with were the "easy" kids.

Homework done.

They made their own snacks.

Did their own laundry.

Got themselves to bed.

Never asked for help with the school project.

No trouble at all.

And they've been no trouble ever since.

She's the low-maintenance friend.

The one who never asks for a ride or a favor, always handles things on her own, she even feels awkward if a friend buys her a coffee.

But she will drop everything when someone needs help.

Runs a team or a business, and she's good at it.

She knows who's having a rough week before they say a word.

Sometimes before they even notice it themselves.

It almost never feels like she is doing good enough or enough in general, so she is always raising the bar on herself.

Works later.

Does more.

Because somewhere in there, a part of her believes if she's not easy to have around, people won't KEEP her around.

And there is this underlying loneliness or empty feeling no matter how much she accomplishes or who is around her.

At night she's on the couch next to her partner, laptop open, answering one more email.

He's RIGHT there.

And she still feels alone.

And tired. Like, exhausted inside

But she still tries to show up for everybody.

Over time, resentment starts to accumulate, because nobody's "showing up" for her.

So every once in a while, something small happens - leaving a mess, forgetting to text, canceling plans - and she snaps.

To everyone around her, it looks like she's overreacting.

But for her, it's months of disappointment and loneliness getting shaken up like a soda bottle...

And the pressure finally caused an explosion.

Then the shame hits.

She feels terrible - embarrassed - unstable, even.

She's sure she just ruined any chance of being close to them.

So she goes back to being easy.

For the people in her life, they feel she doesn't want their help; she never accepts it when they ask

In her head, she is sure nobody really wants to do anything for her.

And she's not going to make anyone do something they don't want to do.

Deep down, she figures they'd end up regretting the time they wasted on her.

The people who love her WANT to show up for her.

She's just never given them anything to show up for.

So that's where we start.

Figuring out what she actually needs - maybe for the first time ever.

And how to say it so the people in her life can finally get it right.

Then the bar stops moving.

What she's doing is enough.

Most days she's already past it.

She lets a friend grab the coffee.

She says what she needs before it builds up... so there's nothing festering inside.

And the people around her feel the shifts.

They always thought highly of her and cared about her.

They honestly, they weren't always sure which version of her they were going to get.

Now they do. A consistent one.

An emotionally balanced one.

Her team trusts her even more.

Her partner relaxes.

She was always easy to be around.

Now she's easy to be close to AND enjoyable to be around.

People gravitate toward her and she feels CONNECTION like she never felt before. Because I helped her address the most important connection there is - the one with herself.

All of this happens in under 3 months - Without years of therapy.

If you read this and thought, "uggh, how does she know this"... message me and let's talk.

"Where do you want to eat?"
"You pick."
So he picks.

And before he's even found his keys, you've pulled up the menu, checked the wait, and said "ehh... what about the Thai place?"

Guilty.
(Me too.)

So this is actually one for the men who love a woman like that.
We know we're not easy.

We run the meeting, the calendar, the kids' schedule and/or the vet appointment, AND we remember your mom's birthday.

We've been carrying it so long we don't even know how to stop.

And we're tired.

Not "I need a nap" tired.
Tired of being the one who decides. Every. Single. Thing.

We want to be soft.

We want to hand you the keys and actually sit in the passenger seat.

Without checking the GPS.

But every time we tried before, somebody dropped it. The plan. The ball. Us.

So we picked it back up. Because that's what we know how to do.

It's not that we think you aren't good enough.
It's that nobody's proven us we can let go yet.

So... prove us wrong.

Plan the Saturday. Book the table. Call the plumber before we have to ask.

Will you mess it up sometimes? Yep.

Try again anyway - Please.

Ask us how we like it done the first few times. We will LOVE that you asked.

"But every time I try, she just takes over."

Yeah. We do. It's a reflex, and it's decades old. We're working on it.

Keep showing up anyway.

We don't mean to make you feel like less of a man.

We want a man who leads.

We just don't know how to be anything but the leader yet.

At work, let us run the show.

At home...
please. Lead.

Ladies, if you read this and thought "that's me, but I'd never actually be able to let go" - that's the work I do. And it doesn't take years of therapy.

DM me and we'll start with one session.

Or just leave this open on your phone on the kitchen counter - I can help him too.

Since 2013, I've officially been providing trauma recovery work.

Finding the core wound. Pulling out the old beliefs, putting in new ones.
It's powerful work and I'll never stop doing it.

Then I studied attachment with a therapist who's spent her whole career on it... and it was like she handed me the treasure map with X marks the spot!

Each attachment style comes with its own cluster of wounds.
There's the one who holds on tight.
The one who needs space.
The one who wants everything to be so deep and vulnerable, but the second its her turn it gets awkward.

So now I'm not digging around. I know right where to look.

And it goes deeper than the wounds.

It's how you learned to connect in the first place.

How the subconscious mind has attempted to meet your needs, but has done it in the most backwards or unhealthy ways, and what you learned to go without.

Once you know what your needs actually are, and how to meet a lot of them yourself, in healthy ways, you stop leaning on everyone around you to do it.

Friendships, family, work, love... it all gets lighter.

Those relationships get to be the bonus. Not the lifeline.

That's why my clients get further in three months with me than they did in years of therapy and multiple therapists.

I have a quiz that can give you an insider look at what I'm talking about. Link is in the comments.

Ladies - Who here is in the dating world, or may be considering?

I have something for you - It's a 20 tell all training to help you understand what goes wrong and why we can end up stuck in the same disappointing relationship cycles.

DM or Comment below and I'll send you the link.

She started to cry, and I thought: this is bullsh*t.

Not her tears. The apology that came with them.

She'd booked her session after a brutal week.

Her parents are aging, live in another country, and she's been trying to manage their care from a distance - the phone calls, the helplessness of worrying about someone you can't get to. And somewhere in all of it, she'd forgotten herself completely.

It had just been her birthday and she knew she needed to do something for herself to let go and recenter.

She walked in trying to remember the last time she'd done anything for herself as we consulted she warned me...

"I'm going to get emotional."

"This is exactly the place for that," I said as I handed her a handful of tissues.

The moment we began and my hands warmed and connected with her, she started to sob.

Then, she stopped to apologize.

The BS was not about her -
It's about the conditioning.

The fear that we can't be messy in front of anyone.
To make sure the other person is okay when we have emotions - because god forbid we make someone uncomfortable with feelings - even in a space built for feeling!

Even after being told she was welcome to fall apart, she felt the need to apologize or felt embarrassed for being human.

"Are you apologizing to me?", I said.
"No, no, I am here for you to hand it all over to me. Do what you need."

And for the rest of session she moved between sobbing, breathing and smiling, then sobbing again.
Grief, release and relief taking turns.

You don't have to apologize here.

You don't have to hold it together for me.

I'm here to hold YOU.

That's why my clients come to me.
And you never, ever have to say sorry.

If you need to feel supported, let some old crap go - I'm here for you. DM and lets get you a session (virtual or at The Face & Body Spa at Self-Care Center)

This is for the woman who can tell you exactly what her husband needs, what her child needs, what her best friend needs before any of them even finish their sentence.

Ask her what SHE needs and watch the blank look.

Not because she's not allowed to need things.

She's never even gotten far enough to ask the question.

What is it that I want and need?

No idea?

Work with me and you learn to hear your own needs as fast as you hear everyone else's - without years of therapy to get there.

If that's you, message me.

You love him.

He loves you.

So why does it feel like it some nights?

There's a little tension at dinner. This desire to talk but conversations are just bland.

Sitting on the couch together watching TV even feels awkward.

You're just waiting for him to actually be there with you.

Or maybe he the guy who goes to the garage to organize something (that probably didn't need organizing).

Or out to the yard.

Or the recliner, game on, eyes already half closed.

You reorganize the pantry for the second time this week and wonder how you got here.

It's not that he doesn't love you.

Connection is the scary part for him. Not you.

Somewhere back when he was a kid, feeling something out loud got him made fun of.

Or punished.

Or just ignored until he stopped bothering to show it.

So his body learned the rule early: big feelings are DANGEROUS.

Keep them in the garage where nobody can catch you having one.

He's not checked out.

He's protecting the kid who got burned the last time he tried.

I hear some version of this constantly:
"I've told him a hundred times, just talk to me.
But he says he doesn't know what to say"

And you think he must - but really he doesn't KNOW.

He thinks he has feelings but he can't identify them if his life (or marriage) depended on it.

You have to make it safe first. Then the talking gets easy.

You don't have to suffer through silent dinners.

It doesn't have to be him asleep by 9 while you're lying there wondering what happened to your relationship.

There's a reason this started, and once I share a few simple hacks, you won't feel nearly as stuck.

If this is familiar - Message me - this is what my clients come to me for. Or take my quiz in the comments.

Over a decade ago, with twenty-seven employees... I could build things. Run things. Fix a problem before anyone else even saw it coming. "Best-of" awards every year.

But if I felt someone misunderstood me, I would spiral. It felt like it would be the end of everything if someone didn't understand my true intentions.

Turns out being high-functioning and being settled inside yourself are two completely different things, they might not always exist in the same person and that wasn’t something people talked about.

That's why once I learned how to have both, I made it my mission to help people understand their own patterns - because I know exactly what it's like to be powerful everywhere except the one place that matters most - inside yourself.

That's what my clients come to me for and if that's you, start with the quiz. Take it and send me your result.

If you've already taken it, today, an improved version is live, check it out. Link in the comments.

When dealing with people, what throws you off the fastest:
Silence?
Distance?
Mixed signals?
Feeling smothered?

Drop your answer in one word.
Or DM if you are feeling a bit vulnerable.

There's no wrong answer here - whatever you pick points straight at your pattern and I know what to do with those patterns.

Silence can make one person spiral and barely bothers another.

Being doted on makes one person want to run and makes another feel safe and loved.

Take my quiz to understand what causes the way you respond.

My clients come to me to become more secure - so if you’d like to show up healthier and happier reach out for next steps.

Quiz link in the comments.