Stop Silent Suffering

AN EARTHY BIRTHDAY TRIBUTE
To the first man I ever loved, I woke up with you on my mind today on your Earth Birthday. In my heart, you were the first man I ever loved, and you still are today, but you were also the first man to break my heart and abandon me.
I am honoring the man you were when you were mine. The only girl I ever preferred to be was to be with you and always feeling free. That innocent girl and you—the innocence of me and you. But it hurt, because one day things changed when you broke my heart. The first man to ever break my heart and confuse me.
I was a premature little girl who was always so small, at times you lovingly called my Baby Girl Cupcake Williams.
Because I was so little, sitting super high and feeling tall on your shoulders made me feel so special. On your shoulders, I felt so free, feeling the warmth of love, the feeling of you and me. Being so close to heaven, looking around at that big, beautiful sky, you were my hero and my best friend. We took long walks holding hands, we danced and sang.
You did my hair better than anyone else, putting in any barrette, ribbon, or ponytail I would want. They were beautiful simply because you did them. In my eyes, you could do no wrong.
You were the first man who ever loved me, and the first man to do me wrong. I always wondered, why could you do this to me? What did I do to deserve this? Even before that, the first time you left, I always wondered why you left me, because you were the most special to me, and you said the same to me. That's why my pain hurt so bad when you broke my heart. Those happy days ended, and I never saw that warmth or closeness again between me and you—or from any other man, except for the one who stepped in to save my heart and protect me, my grandfather, Pete. Outside of his safe presence, I never felt that kind of warmth again until I saw it one more time... the moment I saw you on your way to heaven, in your last days in that room.
The love never went away—I was so angry, sad, lost, feelings I couldn't understand. At times I hated you. But the love never went away. Enraged, confused, misunderstood, and lonely. That act was so unnatural. I struggled with how to process it for so long, all of the pain, all of the pain, all alone. It was so painful and complex, but my love for you never changed, which made it harder sometimes to get through my days. In your last days, I sensed in my spirit it was your last days, and I also sensed the last time you closed your eyes.
When we stepped into that room in your last days, as soon as our eyes locked, you said, "I love you." The last moment I saw you, you called me Baby Girl Cupcake Williams. That made that moment together so bittersweet. In that space, that innocent little girl came out again, so that I could be in that room with my son standing beside me—holding my hand, being my absolute rock after all the severe health challenges he survived. That meant everything. For you to see him whole, standing strong... there was no doubt that God was in that room. I could feel His presence completely.
It felt so good to talk to you, to give you my forgiveness, and to tell you that I would always love you. Hearing you say those words back to me gave me a peace that helps get me through today. Standing there, I asked you that same question I always carried: "What could we have been?" I leave that for you to contemplate on now.
A couple weeks ago, I posted on Facebook where I just said, "Pray. Pray for me." Just to let everyone know I was in the middle of a storm, finally walking through and out.
May you rest in peace. You deserve it. I hope to see you next time in heaven—but in the best way, in the way that it was always meant to be, and when we will both rest in peace.
And I will always love you. My love is forever.
Forever your baby girl,
Cupcake Williams (Guessner)
Walking out that day, I didn’t feel like that seven-year-old girl again. Yes, I still cry, but being 56 now, I carry a better understanding of it all.
For those of you who have been fighting your own battles for many years: I know you will understand exactly what I am talking about. I am sharing my truth—I don't want to bring anxiety, discomfort, or pain. But this is my story. This is what I lived. I share it to bring insight, relief, and rest. I want you to know that I am finally facing and conquering those shadows, and that you can find your peace, too.
To everyone who has held me up in prayer throughout my life: those who know me best understand what I survived, and I share this to let you know that I am alright. “A child is born with a heart of gold"
(Heart of gold...)
"The way of the world makes his heart grow cold"
(Makes his heart grow cold...)”

I HEREBY DECLARE THAT I DO NOT GIVE MY PERMISSION FOR FACEBOOK OR META TO USE ANY OF MY PERSONAL DATA.

Healing is the end of conflict with yourself. I will never forget my prayer for healing January 1, 2025. I prayed to be released from the pain, anger, for help for me to not judge others, and to open my heart for forgiveness. My life changed overnight… Mindset Is Everything!

*tgo