Norah Finn Therapy

Did you know that there is no single, universally applicable legal definition of “consent”? I didn’t either until I listened to episode 22 of . I was shocked. Without a clear legal definition of what consent actually is, it leaves jurors to establish what THEY believe is consent. It’s the law that needs to change. A clear definition of “consent” needs to be established for fair trials to reach fair verdicts.

Agreement is not necessarily consent.
Someone can agree to something without being adequately informed, without having genuine freedom to refuse, or because they feel pressured or unable to say no. Where someone is psychologically unsafe, sometimes a “yes” can be a “no”.

That is why defining what we mean by consent matters enormously. It moves the question from:
“Did they say yes?”
TO:
“Was that decision informed, voluntary, understood and genuinely psychologically free?”

That distinction is arguably where the absence of a universal definition becomes most significant.

CAN - Consent Awareness Network defines consent as “Freely Given, Knowledgable and Informed Agreement” by a person who has capacity to reason. They believe by defining consent within laws, it will help prevent serious crimes .consentawareness.net

Leaving an abusive relationship can take time. The trauma bond is designed to make you believe it’s “not that bad,” keeping you emotionally hooked.

Your job is to gently unhook yourself, one step at a time.

Healing isn’t a race. Move at your own pace. Educate yourself, seek therapy, build a support network, and above all, keep yourself safe.

Every step you take towards freedom is a step towards reclaiming your life. 💜

DARE TO BE YOU 💜
Therapy can create the space to examine what is blocking you from living your life more authentically.

It invites you to:
- think critically.
- question what you’ve been taught.
- say “no” without guilt.
- set healthy boundaries.
- recognise what is right for you.

You don’t have to follow anyone. You are not a sheep and you don’t need a shepherd. You don’t have to live according to someone else’s expectations, beliefs or version of who you should or should not be.

Lead your own life. It takes courage to be true to yourself, especially when standing up for what you believe in could mean you’ll be standing alone. But what’s the alternative? To live your life according to others values? It’s better to walk alone than with a crowd who are all walking in the wrong direction. You’ll find your tribe, your people - and they’ll find you.

Your life is yours. May you find the strength and courage to live it authentically. You owe it to you. 💜

STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR ABUSERS. Stop trying to teach another adult how they should treat you. They’re an adult. If they won’t use kind behaviour towards you now, will they ever? It’s not your job to parent an adult or teach them basic respect and good manners.

When someone repeatedly behaves in abusive ways, don’t waste your time explaining to them why their behaviour is unacceptable. You don’t need to convince them that what they’re doing is wrong before you act.

Stop explaining. Stop defending. Stop justifying. Abusers know exactly what they’re doing. They know exactly when their behaviour is abusive. Pretending they don’t, or that it’s acceptable or your fault, is a part of the abuse. They love watching you try so hard to get them to treat you well. They feel very important in that. It’s a twisted game that allows them feel powerful by disempowering and confusing you.

Pay attention to their behaviour and believe what you’re seeing. If they’re abusive towards you, they’ve done this before, and they’ll do it again. That’s what abusers do. Don’t gaslight yourself into accepting that they didn’t know better. They did. They chose to treat you badly.

You don’t need to wait for an apology, an explanation, or a change that may never come. You don’t need their permission to protect yourself. You don’t need to prove that you’ve been hurt enough to leave.

You are allowed to choose yourself. You are allowed to walk away. You are allowed to stop giving chances to someone who keeps showing you who they are. Take your power back.

Therapy supports you towards healing your life. You deserve better than constantly walking on eggshells. 💜

IF IT’S CONTINUOUSLY HARD WORK, THEN MAYBE IT’S NOT WORKING 💜
Sometimes, if something is causing too much drama, stress or upset, we may simply decide to let it go. We don’t have to take on anything that continually upends our life.

Life can be hard enough at times. If something isn’t adding to the quality of your life, why hold onto it? Life is too short to waste your time trying to resolve difficulties that shouldn’t have been difficult in the first place.

You are allowed to choose peace. Do what you need to do to create a peaceful and contented life. You do not have to explain, defend or justify your choices to anyone. 

Letting go isn’t giving up. 

It’s choosing yourself. 💜

PSYCHOLOGICAL SAFETY is not confined to the therapy room. It applies anywhere where one person is providing support, guidance, education, information, care, mentorship, or leadership to another, in a therapeutic, educative, healing, caring or leadership/management role. Whenever there is a relationship where one person has greater knowledge, authority, influence or power.

People need to feel safe to critically think, speak honestly, ask questions, disagree, say no, make mistakes and explore their own thoughts and experiences without fear of judgement, humiliation, coercion or punishment.

The responsibility for creating that safety rests with the person in the helping, information providing, teaching, caring or leadership role. Psychological safety is not just about making people feel comfortable. It is about creating an environment where people can be human, heard, respected, empowered.

Safety comes before learning.
Safety comes before healing.
Safety comes before meaningful change.

Without psychological safety, the relationship itself can become a barrier to the very support it is intended to provide. 💜

YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE A RIGHT TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF 💜
Telling people they need to learn not to argue back is unhealthy. Especially if you’re a woman. I’m tired of the message that the answer to conflict is to stay silent, walk away, or be the “bigger person”. The lesson shouldn’t be “don’t fight back.” The lesson should be: don’t attack people. Don’t bully people. Don’t intimidate people.

If someone comes at you with hostility, disrespect, or psychological aggression, you have every right to stand up for yourself. Refusing to be a doormat, having boundaries, standing your ground, is not aggression. Too often, men who stand up for themselves are called assertive, while women who do the same are called aggressive. Reject that double standard. Refuse to be stereotyped by that outdated patriarchal image

Most of the time, I’m an amicable woman. I enjoy peace, cooperation, and respectful conversations. I’m not looking for conflict.
But if someone brings it to me, they shouldn’t be surprised when I refuse to roll over. I don’t shy away, intimidate easily, or crumble under disapproval. My self-esteem is not dependent on anyone else’s approval.

Raise your voice, and I’ll match your tone. Attempt to shout me down, and you’ll find I won’t be silenced. I don’t believe people should suppress their fighting spirit. There is a difference between being peaceful and being passive. There is a difference between being kind and being a doormat.

I am a lover. I value kindness, compassion, and connection. But I am also a fighter. For me, being whole means being comfortable with both. Love when love is called for. Strength when strength is required.

Love or war, I’ll take each as it comes and respond accordingly. As women, we absolutely have a right and a need to assert ourselves.

Therapy supports us in losing those outdated messages that were placed on us. Don’t be silenced. Don’t silence yourself. That way of relating will make you sick. 💜

THE ONUS IS ON THE THERAPIST to create psychological safety in the therapy room.

Therapy is not a place where the client must agree with the therapist, accept the therapist’s interpretation, make the therapist comfortable, or takes instruction from the therapist.

A psychologically safe therapy room is one where an environment of respectful equality is created. A client needs to be invited, encouraged, and empowered to say:
“No.”
“I disagree.”
“I don’t know.”
“I don’t want to talk about that.”
“That doesn’t feel right to me.”
- and know they will be respected, heard, acknowledged, and validated.

The therapist holds the professional power in the therapeutic relationship. With that power comes great responsibility. Coercion is the opposite of psychological safety.

A therapist may offer challenge, can question, and at times offer a different perspective, but the therapist must never take away the client’s right to critically think, to choose and to decide for themselves. The therapists personal needs are never met by the client. It is the client who is paying for this professional service. It is the clients needs that are served in the therapy room.

The therapist’s role never includes controlling the client into “better” choices. A therapist “asks”, and doesn’t “tell”. Support is helping another person find their own answers - not giving them yours.

Psychological safety means the client remains free to be themselves in the room. The client is never judged or criticised.

And that freedom is not a luxury. It is the foundation of ethical therapy.

BREAK THE CYCLE OF ABUSE 💜
People who are abusive have narcissistic traits. They don’t respect boundaries. By all means have healthy boundaries, but when you’re dealing with an abusive person they don’t really care about your boundaries.

Many people will attempt to explain how they wish to be treated, but to an abusive person, being treated with dignity and basic human rights really won’t matter to them. Demanding that they honor your boundaries is futile, unless they see a benefit for themselves.

We will not get love, respect, or be treated as we would in any normal healthy relationship. We will only get scraps when they feel that it’s in their interest to give them to you. They are abusers and will trample all over your needs to meet theirs.

They are in control of their behavior and they decide what loving attention you will receive. It is not a mutually loving dynamic. It is not wise to attempt to reason with someone who has no empathy, a sense of entitlement, and feels morally superior to others.

Don’t engage or reason. Don’t ask questions like “why are you treating me that way?”. How many times have you asked that question? Did you ever get an honest answer? Someone who uses abusive tactics will have achieved the desired outcome by you responding in this way. Your hurt and confusion is a twisted form of gaslighting.

Addressing bad behavior with someone who has chosen it disempowers you. That is not a boundary. That is you looking for an explanation from an abusive person. No explanation can justify that type of behavior.

Its is so sad but accepting that you’re going to get scraps is the best way to conserve your own energy. You cannot control how they behave, but you can control how you’ll respond. Hurtful and as unacceptable as it is, you cannot expect good behavior from an abuser.

Get support. Start talking. Educate yourself. Repeated bad behavior becomes a norm. It forms a trauma bond. You are being psychologically manipulated and conditioned. It breaks down our reality and chips away at self esteem.

Recovery from abuse takes time. You can start the process today. Don’t struggle alone 💜