Shineology

( stolen time )

Yes. This is the face of grief. And the joy that can be found working with it.

I’m a summer girl. A surfer vibe gal. And a true northerner we at heart - to my bones when it’s summer time - nothing keeps me from outside, curiousness and play. No heat. No skitters. No shad flies ( ) and even no drizzle. Summertime is my time to shine!

And it was a time of deep connection with my sister. My brain cannot let that pattern breathe differently yet. We romped through fields forests rivers and lakes every sweet scent of summer filing us. Age didn’t matter. It was us and summer!

Monday I found myself in my “hotter than hell” bedroom ( ac on the not working in my sweet lil mid century bungalow ) and I was alone. Crying. Frozen. Couldn’t get myself off the edge of my bed to get outside and soak in summers sweetness

Grief had completely closed me in

My sweet son supported me all he could. He’s grieving too. So hard. And we are doing our best!

A lil nudge in me said go. She said go. And so

I went.

I went to the place we were supposed to go to 4 years ago. Then 3. Then let’s just get through radiation. Then this surgery. Then it was I cannot but you go and bring all the videos and laughs and experiences you discovered there. The ones we would do together.

Because we had a sweet lil dream together.

I won’t reveal yet. Maybe. In time. If my courage takes hold.

And so this Monday through streaming tears and a gut wrenching grief I hadn’t yet felt my body ache with - I booked a lil piece of a wish my sister and I had wanted.

The June Motel

We both love this all sweet vibe. We are beach babes.

She would have loved every minute here. I have been so welcomed. So taken care of. And not one person here knew my purpose - to fulfill a lil dream that should have been with my sister.

I know my journals here are personal. And deep. And moving.

If you want them to be.

For me it is a revealing and a healing help to someone else as much as me.

Nothing else to add - simply my incredible joy at being treated normally, wholly + completely seen just because I’m one

This helped. Huge. It filled a cup I didn’t know needed such local love.

( so free )

Stepping even more completely into boundaries like the tender + tenacious being I am

Today is 8 months

I had a crazy great day. A normal day.

I shared my energy with humans that deserved me. All of me. The best of me.

What a tender way to live.
What a brave way to be.
What a reverently humble way to be.
Dawn to dusk : sunrise to sunset.
Being.

This surrendering into I am.

I no longer prove myself.
I know my worth, completely.
I honor my rising becoming.
I value my growing wisdom.
My whole being is vast.
I don’t bend til I break so another can springboard.

If you want. Me. Choose. Me. You call. Me. You text. Me. You check in on. Me. You show up for. Me.

I no longer make the first move.
That’s mine. For me.

Me. So free.

( 7 months + the magic appearing )

Today is 7 months
And this magic appeared…

I’m the wild horse - you’ll always be my protector.

- I love you Nancy -

Today I miss you like none other + the energy all around me showed up.

Torrential rain
Washed out roads
Surprise visit plans delayed
And nature abounding :
Leaping deer
Galloping elk
Roaming wild horses
Eagles on edges just barely visible
Roaring water
Unending visions of mountain meets water and green pastures galore
Trees that touch the sky

Heaven
In the Ya-Ha Tinda
Back to our momma + our western roots - you ride with me today big sis. And the cowgirl really showed in me.

Laughs + hugs + tears too with my best buddy - thank you for being you SD in all 42 years of friendship + for bringing me back home to me

And today, angel - Nancy - you showed in all the splendor.

I am so blessed.
And I am you.
You’re here.
This magic - I felt it all…

( one year ago, today at this very moment )

To hold wisdom that is best to not be shared.

To hold truth that would dampen any light

To hold space when you’re being crushed alive.

To live with knowledge + not share.

To anyone

And mostly to your own heart.

There’s SO much talk about brain and being and bodies telling stories. My body my brain and all of my being is feeling the crush of one year ago today. The day all the signs became evident to everyone else that I’d been holding. Anchored in belief and hope and trust. That she’d make it. She’d pull through. She’d dance about this one

Nope

All the pieces of me are so incredibly sad today - all truths not need be revealed. And the body doesn’t lie. And the brain knows threat. And the pain is a cycle.

And a nervous system safe is heaven.

So - I curate micro joy in macro grief

The day the truth seized + the pieces starting tearing apart

One year ago today my beauty full best friend, my big sister confident and cheerleader - your brain finally told everyone else what I already knew to be true

I am sad today. A deep kind of sad I can’t express shake or let be.

And I am grateful beyond.

Dancing for you today Fancy Nancy. And keeping the legacy of love alive

• stretch •

Ask me what it holds. A video in all of this will come out soon. DM if you want a love story.

( 6 MONTHS )

…there’s so much to say, and yet there are no words

Grief is such a place of love just having nowhere to go and right now I’m really still feeling deeply filled with gratitude and appreciation. But a profound missing. Like I keep forgetting something. And flashbacks so strong I feel gutted often. Smells. Sounds. Sights. Rememberings. All so fu***ng beauty full.

However, the moments seem to be more macro grief with these delicious spattering of micro joy…

I found those words a little while ago.

And I’m staying golden : and I’m staying in the golden practicing something called bless + release by It’s truly amazing the things the heart and the mind can do when they work together!

A forge forward in a living legacy. I fully stepped into my exercise science background with yoga therapy as my facilitated construct of how I help humans and it’s grown a brand new place called.
• stretch •

Please feel free to follow along there

It is a complete honor, to honour my sister

It allows me to shine in the places and spaces she always loudly said I should be. That I am. And do now I have my whole life that I didn’t realize would add together in one of the most precious moments ever : the love I shared in family and how I bring it into Community.

Nourishing people, like Dad. Strong, discerned + no BS like her.

All the right words just won’t come to me right now.

I’ve been told by people when is the old Ann coming back?

Never

I’m the best version of myself that I’ve ever been. It’s because I’m also graced in the space of her energy.

Anyhow, on this beautiful Sunday evening, I’ll go walk the sunset beach + be in her big purple jacket. You’ll see it in my stories.

This post has nothing but a purpose of journaling and sharing something that we all commonly share

Human suffering
Resiliency
Strength
Grief
Grit

And, as I was very kindly reminded, I am grace.

Thank you to all those humans that know that you’ve been there for me. I’ll still need to lean on you a little bit.

To all those that haven’t reached out honestly don’t bother. I’m doing great.

I love you, NANCY

Yep, I’m dancing in the dance we talked about!